Can We Talk?

Can we talk? Like really talk? I need to warn you though, It might be a discussion you are uncomfortable with. Are we still good to talk? Okay good, then let’s talk.

So often you hear people say,

 “Call me ANYTIME! I am there for you. I am serious, ANYTIME! Even if it is in the middle of the night!” 

“ I am here if ever you need to talk ”

This statement is very well meant by those saying it, and honestly, it is nice to hear that you have someone supportive in your corner. How far does this support go though? Is it conditional or unconditional? While both are wanted and needed, you need to be honest with yourself about which one you truly can offer. not just want to be able to offer BUT CAN. 

For instance, are you someone who likes your sleep and hates being disturbed regardless of what it is for? Do you keep your phone on silent? Do you get irritated when people seem to be negative all the time and would prefer to surround yourself with those who don’t seem to ‘whine’ all the time?

Please know that this post is not an attack on anyone or a way of pointing fingers. It is a way of teaching and helping people understand what words mean to others. I have lost friends over time whenever I was in a low spot and needed to talk to someone. I would try to turn to them and they would ghost me. They only seemed to show up when I wanted to talk about the happy stuff I had going on in life. It hurt. Truly hurt. So when they would reach out to chat or I would reach out to them, I kept it light, only the good stuff. Occasionally I would test the waters and bring up something that wasn’t completely cheery when they asked how I was. There was only ever silence that followed. 

How often do you hear of someone taking their life and hear things like, ‘They were always so happy’? Were they or was that what they wanted you to see? The part they were willing to let you in on because they didn’t want to get the eye roll or the comments. The eye roll is often worse than the words because we can take anything from it. We can add any commentary we want. This is my favorite one to add, ‘Gawd there she goes again! What does she even have to whine about? All she does is whine about everything. Maybe if she got off her fat lazy ass she wouldn’t be so depressed all the time.’ See how easy it is to say what we think your eye roll or gasp or sigh means. 

There was a post on Facebook recently, one of those share-if-you-care posts. It said, “I would rather talk to you at 4:30 in the morning than speak with you at the funeral home.” While the thought and sentiment are amazing and kind and meant to let people know you support them. I want to play the devil’s advocate here. 

When you go to bed is your phone on silent or turned off? If it is how will you help them exactly? Again I am not shaming, I am trying to educate. Let’s give an example.

It is 2 in the morning and I have been having a shit time. So much happened during the day and I have been thinking and crying. I am angry that I am such a fuck up. I have no one and feel I can’t do the tiniest thing right. So many things can happen at this point. Many of the next steps come from the situation that happened earlier and how many times you feel like shit has happened. You want to be done with it. You have the courage to you need to end it but a tiny thought creeps into your mind. You allow it into your head and think if someone cares they will answer if I call. They said they would. So you call that person and they don’t answer. You call another person and the same thing happens. 

Here is a bit of a secret or rather it isn’t a secret but it’s something that people should know. When someone is going to end it, they aren’t going to call anyone. They will just do it. They don’t want to call anyone because they don’t want the doubts to come, they don’t want anyone to talk them out of it They know what they want and that is it. Their reaching out is literally a lifeline. It’s the one shot generally to have someone say whatever it is they need to hear or feel. I know that is not what you want to hear but sadly it is the truth. 

Again, what kind of support person are you? Be honest with what you can offer. If you can’t be the ‘middle of the night person’ but can be the ‘let’s go for a walk or coffee when someone needs to be around someone’, then let them know that. I saw a post recently where someone was talking about how they had gone over to a friends house because they knew they had gone through a difficult period. When they were talking he said, why didn’t you message me. Their response ‘I did’. When they looked back at messages sure enough they had messaged but the message was ‘Wanna come over?’. He then spoke about how all it takes is 8 minutes to help change the situation for someone who is struggling. They then came up with a code so that he would know when it was important. Here is the clip from Instagram..

There are times when the fear on top of the emotions is too much. Be the friend and the support that you can be. Just be honest with yourself about WHAT TYPE that is! It will hurt less for everyone when honesty is involved. If you want to understand how to help someone who wants to talk, read this blog I wrote.. Craft & Tattoos: A Summer for Mental Health.

The most important thing to remember if someone you care about is struggling with anything is BEING HONEST! Not just with them but with yourself. What can you offer? Once you figure this out and communicate it to them, together you can come up with a system that works. When this is done you will be a greater support than you know! 

In writing this blog I had conversations with my son about his struggles and it was scary yet amazing how most of the thoughts he was sharing were what I too have experienced. I then began reading other people's experiences with it. I am including the link below if you want to see what some people are going through when they choose. A warning, these are sad yet they are stories of existence from people who speak about what they did the day they planned to end it. Click here

I hope you know that I wrote this from a place of love, help and educating. I hope you were able to get something from it.